CONFUCIANISM AND THE HUSBAND-WIFE RELATIONSHIP

In the Confucian tradition, gender establishes the roles husband and wife are to play. The execution of one’s duties takes precedence over romantic love, so much so that a daughter-in-law must attend to tasks regarding her father-in-law before taking care of her husband. Looking after the family children, if any, also take precedence over the needs of the husband (Wei-ming, 1993, p. 189). Nevertheless, this is a male-dominated society and the husband still rules.

The scholar Tu Wei-ming states, “...the value of distinction in governing the husband-wife relationship is also based on the principle of mutuality. The underlying spirit is not dominance but division of labor” (Wei-ming, p.189). In other words, the husband goes out to work and the wife stays home to do household chores. It is an effective and efficient system fitting the Confucian preoccupation with order and harmony. There is no room for confusion. Man and woman know their roles. No one can deny teamwork is necessary in raising a family, and there is nothing wrong with a wife staying home.

The drawback with this system is that the person going out into the world to earn a living sometimes underestimates the value of the person staying at home to take care of everything else. It happens with men and with women. Gender has nothing to do with it. In today’s world, because of economic pressures, many women have to get a job. If a wife is the main support for the family and the husband is staying home (for whatever reason) or making little money, there is a tendency for the woman to assume a dominating role in the relationship. This does not happen all the time, but it happens. The key to equality in the husband-wife relationship is fairness. Regardless of who stays home or who makes less of an income, it is the responsibility of both husband and wife to give equal effort. Marriage is a partnership. A lackadaisical attitude by one of the partners is bound to bring resentment and discord, threatening the stability and continued existence of the relationship.

According to Wei-ming, the husband-wife relationship must not be so intense that it disregards obligations to other family members, to the community, and to the state (Wei-ming, p.190). In other words, too much love between husband and wife may give rise to nepotism and the neglect of one’s duties to society. Frankly, this concept is confusing. I do not know if there can ever be enough love between man and wife, and I am not referring to physical love but to the spiritual bond that should exist.

If there is great love in a couple, however, why should that necessarily lead to nepotism or to social irresponsibility? Other things being equal, it is natural and ethical for a husband to favor the wife and vice versa, in whatever situation presents itself. On the other hand, if “other things are not equal,” then merit should be the standard used to determine worthiness. There is nothing wrong with preferentiality, as long as doing so does not break the ethical rules, laws, or moral norms of a wise society. Societal wisdom is a prerequisite. One should not have to follow the prescriptions of inept persons. People who have a greater intelligent-rational-moral capacity should be free to follow the dictates of their own conscience.

Viewing the great frequency of divorces in our society, there is something wrong with our general approach to the husband-wife relationship. First, too many people take marriage lightly. They hurry into that union without first spending sufficient time together to determine compatibility. Second, many marry for the wrong reasons. True love must be existent and constantly nurtured for the relationship to flourish. Third, when children enter the picture, their spiritual and material well-being should matter greatly. Contrary to what some people believe, I think the break-up of parents is a great shock to children. Therefore, whenever possible, couples with children should try to reconcile their differences before deciding to end a marriage.

Fourth, people do not take enough care to avoid hurting other people’s feelings. When a man who is married for many years leaves his good wife for some young woman—without the wife doing anything injurious to the marriage—it is wrong. Nothing is worth hurting a good wife’s feelings. Do not be selfish. Avoid lusting after youth. Be dutiful to your word and to your vows. As they say, “You made your bed. Now lie in it.” I am aware that temptation can be great, and the flesh is weak. Somehow, however, we must try hard to resist those natural impulses. Something of great value is at stake: the happiness of a good partner, the preservation of the family, and the stability of society itself. Naturally, what applies to men also applies to women. Do not leave your good husband for another man, just because you are confused, bored, or tired of the relationship. Try to transcend your own limitations.

Bibliography: Wei-ming, T. (1993). Confucianism. In Arvind Sharma (Ed.) Our Religions (pp.141-227). New York: Harper Collins Publishers.

Suggested Reading: Ercian Testament - Part Three, chapter 24 “Ercian Values and Ideals.”